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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Garrett Holmes

Dear Dad,
  As you know I have been reading the complete edition of Sherlock Holmes mysteries and thoroughly enjoying them.  It has been almost an obsession.  I have been reading none stop for days now.  I believe that I am in Holmes / Doyle’s head as much as anybody can be.  I love the Idea of any kind of problem being solved logically, because in a lot of ways that is what I do for a living.  I am so invested in these books that I envision Holmes in some of today’s prime time TV shows.  I see him as the Dr. in ‘House’ and as the Detective in ‘Law and Order Criminal Intent.’  I do this a lot you know, I seem to become obsessed with every little project or hobby I start.  I always read one genre or author at a time with fervor until the supply is exhausted.  Well on with the story. 
My wife approached me last night and stated that she has been thinking of having me pull the carpet up in the bedroom.  We already know that there is a hard wood floor underneath it.  She told me that her only reservation was that we might then have to rent a machine and finish the wood surface.  She figured this would be very expensive. (Notice that it never occurred to her how much work for me it would be.)  Now you should understand that the majority of the house already has hard wood flooring except for the billiard room, the back add on and the master bedroom.  I admit I was a little annoyed by the interruption, I put down my book and gazed at this lovely creature who finds all these things for me to do.  A small smile begin to play at the edge of my lips. 
I got up from my chair and began to pace the room.  I lit a cigarette and then sat back down.  I quickly turned to Misty and in my best educated British accent, said "My dear girl, calm yourself.  Have a seat, while I solve this little problem of yours. You say that you need the carpet removed so as to expose your pretty little floors but you cannot afford the expense of a nice finish. Quite so, well it is rather simple, just remove the carpet and I assure you the floor is already quite complete and finished gloriously."
She gasped and nearly feinted on the spot.  (In my imagination of course)  "Come now" said she, "How can you be so sure."
I raised my eyebrows a little and relished the next pull of my cigarette. "It's all very elementary” I said.  “Notice that the carpeting in the bedroom is Identical to the carpeting in the homes rear addition. The hard wood floors are original but the addition is obviously not.  So from this one can deduce that both rooms were carpeted at the same time, long after the floor was finished.  Haloo!  By jove!  What is this?  Here is a further proof for your peace of mind. Notice old girl that the Bedroom is exceedingly small, which suggests that it was carpeted as an afterthought, for as you well know carpet is bought in large quantity at a discounted rate.  The faux wood paneling in the addition suggests a do it yourself project, so we can assume it was done by a previous tenant.  Anyone who likes that kind of paneling is also the type of person to buy carpet as cheap as possible.  So we can be sure that the three carpeted rooms in the house were all carpeted at the same time.  By the by whatever you do, you need to retain the carpet in the addition.  The sub flooring in that room is almost certainly bare plywood.  Good evening to you Madame, I wish you happy remodeling.  I must retire now for there are many more things that shall require my attention in the morning."
And that concludes the case of the missing hardwood floor. Yep that's right I AM THE MAN.  Of course this whole adventure may have been designed by some criminal mastermind (wife) because as you have already guessed, yes that's correct.  I now have to remove carpeting.        
Love, your OCD crime solving pipe smoking son.

1 comment:

ThisHorseThing said...

You need to exchange the cigarettes for a pipe. It'll fit not only your new Holmes obsession, but also works with that Ward Cleaver All American Dad thing you've got going as well.