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Saturday, December 24, 2011

HO HO HO Now I have a machine gun!

Dear Dad,

               For Christmas this year I would like to give you the gift of the ultimate Christmas movie. You may be thinking to yourself that you have already watched it. Possibly you have witnessed Peter Bailey’s realization that all is well. You think you know that a BB gun is all little Ralphie needed to be happy. You cheered when Clark Griswald added twenty percent to his holiday bonus. Maybe you enjoyed Tim the Tool Man Taylor getting fat and growing a beard. Yet after all your holiday movie viewing you have yet to watch the one true Christmas movie. I am of course referring to the 1988 classic brought to us by ‘John McTiernan‘ starring ‘Bruce Willis‘ and ‘Alan Rickman.’ The one and only ‘Die Hard!’

               Bruce Willis not only provided us with an everyman type of hero, he also gave us a holiday movie with a real message. Let’s look at it shall we. The movie starts out with Christmas music and a giant teddy bear. The movie ends with Christmas music, a dead terrorist and a giant teddy bear. Our hero John McLane finds himself in the worst possible situation. His holiday hopes of wooing his wife back into his bed have come crashing down around his head. Visions of sugarplums are replaced by German terrorists with English accents and automatic weapons. Terrorists that turn out to be just burglars. Burglaring John’s holiday lay.



               Like the little boy in search of Christmas shoes, our hero finds himself barefoot. Barefoot in a fight for his life. Would anyone else in that position find the Christmas spirit to dress the supposed terrorist they just killed in a Santa suit? I doubt it. Not only that, this intrepid hero even sends the bad guys a Christmas card.


                “Now I have a machine gun.  HO HO HO”


 

               It’s true that traditionally one doesn’t mention his own gifts in a Christmas card, but I will cut him some slack, after all, Mr. McLane wasn’t a writer. He was just a blue collar New York police detective, that flight stewardesses found attractive despite his receding hairline. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a dead terrorist in a santa hat, with HO HO HO written on his shirt. It makes me want to go outside and cap someone off, dress them up and send them to my neighbor with a nice little note. I’m getting all misty eyed just thinking about it.

               I wish that this Christmas if I found myself barefoot and alone, I could still take the time to make a Pal, aka 'Sgt. Al Powell.'  I would also stop fighting evil long enough to help a chubby beat cop realize that he is a better man that he believes himself to be. My inner ‘Mclane-ness’ would let him see that the mistakes of his past didn’t have to stop him from being able to smite his own terrorist on Christmas morning. I know that my ‘Pal’ could then put down his Twinkies and partake instead in some delicious ‘HO-HO’s.’

               At the end of the greatest Christmas movie of all time, Mr. McLane teaches us that Christmas isn’t about possessions and objectivity. If you can’t afford a holster, use duct tape. He even teaches his wife that she doesn’t need that gold watch. I teared up when he took it off of her. I knew in my heart that he was saying “Honey, Christmas isn’t about gold watches, it’s about dropping bad guys 33 stories and living to laugh about it.” To cap it off, he teaches his wife so well the true meaning of Christmas, she takes the time to send a message to the media. Those cruel advertisers of everything monetary, blaring items for sale all day long on your television. She spots one in the crowd posing as a news reporter, and punches him right in the face.

Merry Christmas John!
               People are always talking about Jimmy Stewart giving away his vacation money to stop a run on the bank. But what about Argyles decision to crash his beautiful limousine into the criminals’ van. Yes, he too learned from John McLane that it’s not what you have, it’s how much damage can you do to bad men with what you have. I look at my computer right now and I am a little disgusted with my own holiday cheer. Do I have what it takes to use this monitor to weigh down some C-4 on a roller chair and drop it down an elevator shaft? Would you selflessly destroy valuable electronics on Christmas to save a stranger? Could I ruin the most beautiful building in my town to save a unit of police officers I never met?


               You may quote ‘you’ll shoot your eye out kid’ or sing softly to yourself ‘buffalo gals won’t you come out tonight’ but for me and now hopefully for my father, Christmas will always be, ‘Glass! Who gives a shit about glass!’ Because that means, Gifts, who cares about gifts, I just want to save people and kiss my wife. John McLane, YOU ARE THE MAN!

               Yippie Kye Yay Mother and Father
               And a Happy New Year!

2 comments:

Stephen Hise said...

Awesome as always Garrett! I'll cross-post this at Indies Unlimited if I can figure it out. Merry Christmas. :)

Letitia Hise said...

Thanks Garrett! I was so tired of all the same Christmas movies we've watched for the last 30 years that I've been watching movies that only had Christmas in them to expand the list--like Better Off Dead,--"You have Christmas in your country, don't you? CCHHRRIISSTTMMAASS." Now I can add Die Hard to my list!